Sincerely Sire Newsletter-September 2002

WHO MOVED MY CHEESE?

I read in the paper yesterday about a recent study done in Britain on the effect alcohol has on people. This study—as incredible as it may seem—determined that after a person had consumed a few drinks, members of the opposite sex appeared more appealing than before they’d had anything to drink.

Gee, I hope they didn’t spend too much money on this study because, for cryin’ out loud, didn’t we already know this? Heck, I can remember sitting in a bar, enjoying a cool libation thirty years ago, when members of the opposite sex—every single one of them—morphed into Snow White right before my very eyes. It was absolutely amazing.

But that was then, and this is now. I bet you this study was not conducted on couples who had been married over twenty five years as I have been today. I bet they would have gotten totally different results had they limited their research to married couples of a quarter of a century or longer.

Case in point: I’ve been married to Roe over 27 years now, and you know what looks most appealing to me after a couple glasses of wine?—no offense Roe—but the cold hard truth is: Monterey Jack Cheese.

That’s right, after a hard day’s work, give me a glass or two of wine and I go for the cheese. Cheese and mustard and crackers. Cheese and ham and bread. Longhorn style, Wisconsin, Swiss, Mozzarella, Provolone, Brie, Feta and, yes, even Velveeta. Give me a martini or two and I’ll eat cheese till I grow a tail and big ears.

It’s just not the same after 27 years of marriage as it was when I was young and single—Give me two glasses of wine today, sit my wife on the couch and put a brick of cheese next to her—I’ll go for the cheese every time—unless, of course, she eats it first. Yeah, darn it, she feels the same way about me after a few glasses of wine herself, only difference is, she usually goes for the combo: Nachos AND cheese. She shreds that block of cheese up over those nacho chips and pops the whole plate in the micro for about 60 seconds and then punches, kicks and hisses at me as she attempts to eat the whole clump of cheese and chips herself. Shoot, I’m lucky if I can even get just a couple of the chips off the bottom of the plate that have hardly any cheese on them at all.

So, here’s what I think; I think they should conduct another study on married couples married to the same person for over 25 years. I bet they would find that after a few drinks, 999 times out of 1000, spouses in this category, would find food, particularly cheese, more appealing than each other. I bet that they would find husbands would eat lots of cheese and other not-so-healthy foods and completely ignore their wives after a few drinks. Second-most appealing in this study would be the TV; third the sofa; fourth the dog; etc.

Now, results such as the above, from a study like this, could be cause for grave concern, but think about the plus side—In a best case scenario we must assume spouses are sober most of the time, so most of the time the marriage would be pretty good, since most of the time a man’s wife would be more appealing to him than cheese—and vice versa. Besides, how much trouble can a husband get himself into with a brick of cheese? I’ve never heard of a couple getting divorced over a half a pound of Tillamook Cheddar, or even a pound.

And once in while, who knows, maybe husband and wife would share a glass of Chardonnay and there wouldn’t be any cheese in the fridge, and so, with no cheese to be found, they’d look at each other with that old-time feeling, and they’d both reach out and touch - - - the keypad on the phone and order a Domino’s with extra cheese!    

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