August 2005 – Sincerely Sire Newsletter

 

THE FACE

 

The first time ever I saw your face…as the song goes—I should have turned tail and ran for the hills screaming NO NO NO all the way, and never ever have come back, but, oh woe with me, I didn’t. Quite to the contrary, I didn’t run from her, I ran to her. Have you ever seen a moth fly blissfully right into the flame?—that was me. “Oh, look at the beautiful glowing flame—I must go to it, next thing you know, you’re toast.

 

I was charbroiled thirty years ago. Yes, the first time ever I saw Rosemarie’s face I was smitten, beguiled, bewildered, all that stuff. I was set on an irreversible course of paying for that face, and I mean specifically that face.

 

It started with the excessively expensive moisturizer in '75. I had never even heard of moisturizer back then, in fact, at first I thought we were having steak for dinner and that she had said tenderizer. Oh, well, what’s the difference? I guess they both tenderize meat.

 

Next came the facials. Oh my gosh, the facials. She was jogging one day, about twenty-something years ago when she happened upon a salon right down there at the corner of Banning and Brookhurst. She walked in and there was the owner. “What do you do here?” Roe asked.

 

“Facials” the woman said. Next thing I know they’re buds for life and Roe is getting facials on a regular basis. I remember, she used to walk down there with a wine-cooler and get the treatment. It was like a ritual. Yeah, that’s it, Roe’s ritual. She still gets facials from this same woman today. Whenever I can’t reach her for about an hour and a half on her cell phone, I know that’s where she is—gossiping and getting her facial.

 

Next her pal from the salon started doing the face peels on her, all with organic stuff; it’s always organic. She’s had her face peeled so many times I’m surprised she doesn’t look like the grim reaper. Somebody get that woman a scythe!

 

Next came the ubiquitous bottles and jars of face, how do you say?—Adornments? Additives? Enhancers? Tenderizers?…I don’t know what she calls them—I think I’ll go look right now, this should be interesting, I’ve never done this before…Okay, I’m back, here’s what I found on her vanity:

 

·         A blue jar of Micro Cream

·         2 green jars of Cit @ 20%

·         A white jar of VitaPlex – Multi-vitamin revitalizing cream

·         A white jar of Exfoliating Masque Alpha & Beta Hydroxy Treatment

·         A spray bottle of Oil Free Solar Protection SPF 65

·         A spray bottle of Princess Marcella Borghese Effetto Immediato

·         A push top bottle of Face Firming Complex with DMAE/ALA/C-ester/CoQ10 – Skin Care Intensive

·         A clear spray bottle of DMAE

·         A spray bottle of Alpha Quinone – Skin Lightening Treatment

·         A clear bottle of Botanical Bio-Peptide Concentrate

·         A bottle of DERMA2K Barrier Gel

·         A Big Bottle of Glycolic Cleanser Facial Tonic

·        A big red flat jar of Kerastase Solaire Crème-Richesse – Intensive repair treatment

 

How many bottles and jars of stuff is that? I count thirteen, and remember that does not include makeup, this is only the meat tenderizer I’m talking about.

 

Next she discovered Photorejuvenation, which I wrote to you about in my May 2004 newsletter. This involved a series of about five or six treatments and the use of a laser, I think. It was all about getting rid of wrinkles and spots.

 

And now comes the granddaddy, or I guess I should say, grandmamma of them all, Thermage, which Roe heard about, of course, on Oprah. Well, actually, I guess it’s not the grandmamma, I guess that would be an actual facelift, but according to Roe, this is the next best thing.

 

I just checked out Thermage.com and here’s what it said about it: “Thermage is a non-surgical procedure that uses radiofrequency technology to tighten and renew facial contours by reshaping your skin’s innermost structures.” Apparently they put a machine on your face for about three hours while you feed one-hundred-dollar bills into it and then you’re done.

 

She says I have to drive her there and bring her home because she has to take a tranquilizer before the procedure. Makes me think of that Twilight Zone episode where the two really old people go in to get new bodies, but they can only afford one. So the man gets the new body and feels and looks wonderful, but his wife is still old, so he gives the new body back and goes back to being old so he and his wife can be old together. Hey, maybe Roe will change her mind too and decide to grow old with me instead of getting that new face—fuhgettaboudit!

 

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