July
2005 - Sincerely Sire Newsletter
THE
HAT
My
head is shaped like an avocado.
My
head is also big. I know this because for our thirtieth wedding
anniversary, this past December, Roe bought me a hat, and not just
any hat. I believe my new hat is referred to as a fedora, like
what Humphrey Bogart wore in
Casablanca
.
We had traveled to
Santa Fe
,
New Mexico
for our anniversary and Roe lured me downtown one day on the
promise of getting lunch—hate to shop, love to eat. But instead,
once she had me in the middle of the jungle—little shops and
custom boutiques everywhere—she told me she wanted to buy me a
hat for our anniversary. She said she couldn’t stand all the
baseball caps I normally wore, one of which I had on my head at
that very moment, and that a fedora would be very cool. So, she
took me by the hand, make that the arm—no, to be honest, she
pushed me into the hat shop against my will.
Hats everywhere. Everybody in the place was trying on hats and
laughing their heads off. Something about putting on hats that
makes people laugh. Roe and I were no different, especially since
every hat I tried on was too small and sat atop my big head like
an acorn on a beach ball. This was good though, I thought. How can
she make me buy a hat if none of them fit?
But
she was ready for me and my big head. “Step right over here,”
she said, as she introduced me to the “custom hat guy.” And he
was ready for me too. Yes, indeed, the old codger had
been selling hats for a while now, and he knew a man who’d been
following orders for a long long time when he saw one. This was a
slam-dunk sure sale if ever there was one.
Next thing I know I’m sitting in what looked like a barber’s
chair and he’s placing this helmet-like contraption, with
thousands of retractable metal spikes, on my head. The spikes
retracted as he slid it over my skull and I wondered if Roe had
finally decided to cash in on my life insurance as someone in the
back room was about to pull the switch.
After he took the device off, he set it on a piece of paper and
drew a diagram of my avocado-shape head, with the narrow end in
the front. Hum, I thought, that explains why my eyes are so close
to my nose.
After that, the rest was easy. Roe just kept handing me hats and
asking me
which
one I liked. I didn’t like any of them but I had to pick one if
I ever wanted to get out of there and get my promised lunch, so I
did. She told the hat guy to engrave the inside of the brim with
“All my love. Roe. 2004”
The hat guy then said it was going to take two months to make the
hat. No problem. Then he told me how much the hat cost and then I
wasn’t hungry anymore. I asked him if he was kidding, but he
just handed me the bill and smiled confidently—I would not turn
down this wonderful gift from my faithful and loving wife, would
I? This, after all, was her 30-year wedding anniversary gift to
me, and the hat only cost SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS! I told him to
change the engraving to: “All your money Joe.”
The hat was delivered to our home several weeks later, and let me
tell you, it fits my head perfectly. But I still prefer baseball
caps, which is why I never wear my fedora, which is why Roe had to
order a custom avocado-shaped hat holder from the hat guy so she
could mount my hat on the wall which cost another $120.
If you were to come over to our house right now and look to the
left of the TV on the family room wall, there it sits like a fine
work of art:
One
custom 30-year anniversary
fedora
that you never wear - $600
One custom hat rack - $120
One happy wife – Priceless!
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