March 2001 – Sincerely Sire Newsletter
If I Buy It, I
Won’t Eat It
I’ve
been trying to lose twenty pounds for twenty years. Can’t do it. I’ll be buried
with it unless cause of death is dismemberment and they can’t find my head.
I
have tried (not to be dismembered) to lose weight. I have worked out pretty
regularly my whole life, still do. Rosemarie and I go to the gym together and
do the treadmill (or threadmill as Roe calls it), lifecycle, etc. I have
at various times cut out all meat, cheese, sugar and alcohol. I have tried a
variety of diets, but always come up ravenous.
I
play lots of mind games with myself to try and lose weight; here’s a few of
them:
Just because you take one
bite doesn’t mean you have to eat the whole thing!
You can go ahead and eat two
of these bagels because they’re low in fat.
You can go ahead and eat two
of these bagels because they’re low in cholesterol.
I won’t eat anything else
all day.
Tomorrow morning I am going
to get up early, work out and start a new life of eating only healthy food in
small portions, yes, tomorrow morning; but for now, just for the moment, just
while this old black and white movie is on TV, I will eat this quart of ice
cream and a couple of these low fat cookies.
And
then, of course, there is my all-time favorite, the one that sucks me
into its vortex every time:
This
one works particularly well just before entering a fast-food restaurant
drive-thru, like, let’s say
Okay,
just because I’ve pulled into the parking lot doesn’t mean I have to order anything. And once I’m in line; Well,
I can always back up and go home and eat a veggie dog. And then after a car
pulls in behind me and I can’t get out; Well, just because I have to drive
through doesn’t mean I have to order anything, I can always change my mind.
And then as I pull up and the little person in the box asks for my order; Just
because I order a bunch of food doesn’t mean I will buy it, maybe I’ll just
speed through the window and not buy anything, and even if I do buy something
it doesn’t mean I will eat it, and as a matter of fact since there is a very
strong possibility, even a probability, that I’m not going to eat anything that
I order anyway, I might as well order three chili cheese dogs with onions instead
of two, and maybe just one kraut dog and some fries, yeah, I won’t eat those
fries, make it a large fry.
And
then, of course, the previous mind games that I mentioned come into play as I
am eating; Just because I eat one fry doesn’t mean I will eat the whole bag,
and just because I eat one bite, etc. etc. The entire meal is sautéed in
guilt. In about thirty minutes I have, regrettably, eaten everything and am
ready for a little nap. This is how I do it.
Now, if I can just remember; just say to myself as I pass by those fast-food restaurants, killer row, between Yorktown and Garfield on Brookhurst: If I buy it, I will eat it. If I buy it I will eat it. If I buy it, I will eat it . . .