July 1996 Ė Sincerely Sire Newsletter
The Fourteen Point System
In honor of all baby boomers, who are now unable to read standard size print, I believe congress should pass a bill that requires all TV guides, newspapers, bank deposit slips, restaurant menus, books, nutritional facts, and instructions of any kind to be printed in a minimum of 14 point type like Iím writing this column.† This should be done because Iím mad as heck, and Iím not going to take it anymore.† I mean half the country canít read 12 point type, or even worse, 10 point type without glasses anymore, so why shouldnít the entire nation just switch over to the 14 point system.
All of us boomers, 40-years-old and up, could take our Savon reading glasses and drive our Toyota Camrys right over them.† They talk about smokersí rights, and non-smokersí rights, well I submit to you, what about half-blind-baby-boomersí rights?!
Yes, I say, we have the right to be able to read TV guides, restaurant menus, bank deposit slips, the nutritional facts on the side of a candy bar wrapper, and the very important surgeon generalís warning - without glasses!† At the very least, reading glasses ought to be available to the public every few miles, like freeway call boxes. Yeah, thatís it, they could put them inside the call boxes!† They should also be available on all airplanes.† I forgot my glasses on a recent airline flight and wasnít even able to read the emergency manual.† Luckily I had a window seat though, so I was able to occupy myself by reading car license plates for the duration of the flight.
My first pair of glasses were purchased at the optometristís office on April 8, 1993 when I was 43 years old.† I bought three pair.† One for downstairs, one for upstairs and one for the office.† I used the pair for downstairs, that night, to read the TV guide, and I used the pair for upstairs to read a book before I went to sleep, but I never got to use the pair at the office because by the time I got there, the next morning, I needed a stronger prescription.† I complained about this to my friend, Mark, who is also a half-blind-baby-boomer, and he told me he bought all his reading glasses at Savon.† Excellent tip. Thatís where my wife and I have been buying ours ever since.
We both started at the rookie level of 1.25.† Rosemarie is now up to 2.00, while I have been holding steady for the last couple of months at 1.75. The only problem with the Savon glasses is that weíve got too many of them now because we never throw them away.† We do, however, lose them frequently, but then, inexplicably, they reappear a few months, or even a few years later.† Like thereís a glass fairy or something.† ďHey, honey, hereís a pair of one-two-fives.† I thought these babies were gone for good.† The glass fairy must have been here again last night.Ē
So now, the one-two-fives, and the one-five-zeros and the one-seven-fives and the two-zero-zeros and our original prescription glasses are all mixed in together.† We must have a couple hundred pairs of glasses around here.†
I know Iíve picked up a pair thatís too strong when I find myself meticulously examining the craters in the paper Iím reading.† The power level printed on the inside of eyeglass frames is way to small to read. The only way to know what power youíre wearing is to try a pair on and stagger around for a while.
If theyíd just go to the 14 point system we wouldnít have these annoying problems anymore.† And with the money we saved on glasses we could buy an Ab-Roller.† So please, 14 point your half-blind congressman today.† Iím tired of being framed.† Arenít you?