March 2001 Ė Sincerely Sire Newsletter
If I Buy It, I Wonít Eat It
Iíve been trying to lose twenty pounds for twenty years. Canít do it. Iíll be buried with it unless cause of death is dismemberment and they canít find my head.
I have tried (not to be dismembered) to lose weight. I have worked out pretty regularly my whole life, still do. Rosemarie and I go to the gym together and do the treadmill (or threadmill as Roe calls it), lifecycle, etc. I have at various times cut out all meat, cheese, sugar and alcohol. I have tried a variety of diets, but always come up ravenous.
I play lots of mind games with myself to try and lose weight; hereís a few of them:
Just because you take one bite doesnít mean you have to eat the whole thing!
You can go ahead and eat two of these bagels because theyíre low in fat.
You can go ahead and eat two of these bagels because theyíre low in cholesterol.
I wonít eat anything else all day.
Tomorrow morning I am going to get up early, work out and start a new life of eating only healthy food in small portions, yes, tomorrow morning; but for now, just for the moment, just while this old black and white movie is on TV, I will eat this quart of ice cream and a couple of these low fat cookies.
And then, of course, there is my all-time favorite, the one that sucks me into its vortex every time: Just because you buy it doesnít mean you have to eat it for crying out loud. It certainly doesnít mean you are going to eat it!
This one works particularly well just before entering a fast-food restaurant drive-thru, like, letís say Wienerschnitzel (my favorite, hands down, unparalleled, academy award winning establishment to blow a diet):
Okay, just because Iíve pulled into the parking lot doesnít mean I have to order anything. And once Iím in line; Well, I can always back up and go home and eat a veggie dog. And then after a car pulls in behind me and I canít get out; Well, just because I have to drive through doesnít mean I have to order anything, I can always change my mind. And then as I pull up and the little person in the box asks for my order; Just because I order a bunch of food doesnít mean I will buy it, maybe Iíll just speed through the window and not buy anything, and even if I do buy something it doesnít mean I will eat it, and as a matter of fact since there is a very strong possibility, even a probability, that Iím not going to eat anything that I order anyway, I might as well order three chili cheese dogs with onions instead of two, and maybe just one kraut dog and some fries, yeah, I wonít eat those fries, make it a large fry.
And then, of course, the previous mind games that I mentioned come into play as I am eating; Just because I eat one fry doesnít mean I will eat the whole bag, and just because I eat one bite, etc. etc. The entire meal is sautťed in guilt. In about thirty minutes I have, regrettably, eaten everything and am ready for a little nap. This is how I do it.
Now, if I can just remember; just say to myself as I pass by those fast-food restaurants, killer row, between Yorktown and Garfield on Brookhurst: If I buy it, I will eat it. If I buy it I will eat it. If I buy it, I will eat it . . .